How to Ride a Dildo

Say what you will about humans—no other species has done even a fraction of what Homo sapiens has to advance the exalted art of lovemaking.

That commendable distinction applies to self-love, as well. There are almost as many ways to curl your own toes as there are devices for facilitating such electrifying autoerotic pursuits, and new methods, techniques, and gadgets are being innovated all the time. If the mind can conceive it, the body can use it to rub one out.

Despite this virtually endless array of masturbatory delights, it’s often true that nothing hits quite like the classics. Sometimes, all your heart desires is to hop on your favorite toy and ride off into the sunset of a soul-shuddering orgasm.

There’s no wrong way to ride a dildo, as you likely already know if you’ve ever taken one for a spin. There are, however, what we’ll call best practices. Here are a few tips for getting the most out of your next dick-borne trip to Kingdom Cum.

Part One – Choosing Your Mount

First thing’s first—you’re going to need a reliable apparatus on which to get off.

You have a lot (and we mean a lot) of options available to you, and just about any of them will get you where you want to go. As the old saying goes, though, the journey is more important than the destination.

Sexuality is, after all, a craft, and any craftsperson is only as good as their tools. You wouldn’t use a clawhammer to fasten a hex bolt or can of Krylon to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. By the same token, not all penis-inspired sex toys are equally appropriate for riding.

It’s not just a matter of measurements, either.

Just as no two bodies are exactly alike, no two people have exactly the same turn-ons, preferences, degrees of receptivity, or thresholds for discomfort. Picking a dildo is therefore about finding the perfect one to serve your individual needs rather than finding the “perfect” one, full-stop.

Seeing as how your ultimate selection will have a major impact on the quality of your pleasure, it’s important to consider all of the various factors that can come into play (no pun intended).

Size

The first thing that the majority of people are likely to notice about a given dildo is its proportions, which can range from modest to massive with increments everywhere in between.

An “average-sized” dildo, if there can be said to be such a thing (we’re skeptical ourselves), is modeled after the average-sized penis. It’s roughly 5-6 inches in length and has a circumference of around 4-5 inches. True-to-life dimensions like these can make a great starting point if you don’t have much experience sticking things inside you.

You can always work your way up to more formidable units later as you get a feel for satisfying yourself or come to crave more intense stimulation. It’s not uncommon for sex toy enthusiasts to keep multiple toys on deck specifically to give themselves more of a choice for how to savor each session.

How Do I Know Which Size Is Best for Me?

A helpful strategy for finding a suitably sized dildo is to use the sort of actual dicks you most enjoy having in you as your frame of reference.

Maybe you love nothing more than feeling every passionate inch of a long, lustful stroke, or perhaps you melt at the very thought of being stretched to the limit by an extra-thick member. Whatever the case may be, you’ll never be led astray if you follow your bliss.

At the end of the day, it’s up to you to determine what kind of length and girth you can handle.

One last bit of advice that’s been given a bajillion times before but bears repeating: bigger isn’t always better. In fact, a dildo’s ability to rock your world over and over again generally has more to do with its shape than its size.

Shape

Dildos run the proverbial gamut in terms of shape. On one end, you have rudimentary ramrods designed solely for fast, uncomplicated fun. On the other hand, you have baroque (and in some cases bizarre) oddities guaranteed to appeal to even the most jaded sensibilities. All of these contraptions can be loosely grouped into one of three categories:

1. Basic Dildos. Many of the most simplistic dildos out there are little more than suggestive cylinders, vaguely cock-like devices that slide dutifully in and out and do very little else. They’ve been around since our primitive ancestors first heeded the irresistible urge to cram things into their most intimate parts and they’ll remain a popular means of manual gratification even as sex toys continue to evolve.

There are no surprises here, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Some riders don’t go in for all the bells and whistles, and are perfectly content with only a sufficient length of solid tube to hump.

2. Realistic Dildos. These are made to resemble the flesh-and-blood phalluses on which they’re based. They boast lifelike sculpted features and come in far more titillating varieties than their simplistic counterparts—some are circumcised, others are uncut; some are straight, others curve to or fro; some are smoothly contoured, others are crisscrossed with bulging veins frozen forever in the throes of peak arousal.

It’s hard to top realistic dildos when it comes to authenticity. We recommend going with one of these styles if you want to more closely simulate the experience of ham-slamming (or sensually grinding, it’s up to you) a living, breathing sex partner.

3. Novelty Dildos. If you’ve ever caught yourself daydreaming about making sweet, sweet love to a horse, tentacled space alien, cyborg overlord, or The Incredible Hulk (no judgies), novelty dildos may be your jam.

As you might have guessed, these unusual offerings exist to fulfill fantasies too forbidden—or too unpalatable, logistically difficult, or morally questionable—to act out in real life.

Novelty dildos admittedly aren’t for everyone. That said, there are no rules dictating how you can go about getting your jollies provided what you’re doing is safe and consensual, so don’t be afraid to tiptoe down unexplored avenues of erotic expression. You might end up surprising yourself.

4. Anal Dildos. Anal dildos are ergonomically built to be more bum-friendly.

To this end, they tend to be devoid of the kinds of pronounced textures you might see on a traditional vaginal dildo. Rectal penetration is already intense enough without a bunch of nubs, scales, or ripples overloading the sensitive nerve endings down there. Beyond that, your butthole is one place where you definitely don’t want excess friction.

Another unique element of anal dildos is their shape. Many are tapered toward the tip and widen out at the base to promote easy entry and afford users greater control over the intensity of their posterior romps.

Material

When most people hear the word “dildo,” they picture a floppy silicone throbber with flexibility somewhere between a doorstop and a Slinky. While conventional rubber dildos do indeed make excellent all-purpose playthings, they're by no means the only act worthy of the price of admission.

Search hard enough and you’ll also find dildos molded from stainless steel, borosilicate glass (the same shatterproof stuff that high-quality reusable food storage containers are made of), polished wood, and even precious crystals like quartz, amethyst, and jade.

One quality that these materials have in common is that they’re hard, which makes them all the more effective for putting pressure on areas like the G-spot or prostate gland. They’re also easier to sterilize, as you can boil them or stick them in the dishwasher without worrying about them melting, warping, or deteriorating with continual cleanings.

Another popular material that’s common with realistic dildos is Cyberskin, a flesh-like synthetic covering that looks, feels, and behaves like real skin (it’s only creepy if you overthink it).

Again, replicating the subtle yet unmistakable sensations of being atop a genuine phallus is the name of the game here. Going for a ride on a joystick wrapped in premium Cyberskin is about as close as you can get to the real deal without having to make conversation before and after.

Additional Features

One of the neat things about dildos is that even though they look like penises, they’re not penises, which means they can do things real penises can’t.

There are, for example, artificial wangs that vibrate, spin, swirl, thrust, suck, and stimulate any combination of the clitoris, vulva, penis head, and/or anus simultaneously. There are even dildos engineered to link up with other mechanized intimacy aids like some kind of kinky, ecstasy-powered Voltron. Ah, the wonders of technology.

For the purposes of this guide, we’ve elected to highlight one particularly useful type of toy: the almighty suction cup dildo.

You can stick one of these bad boys onto any smooth, supportive surface (a section of solid flooring will serve as an ideal attachment site in this case, but we’re also big fans of walls, furniture, and steamy shower doors) and ride like the wind without the need to keep one hand tied up the whole time.

Part Two – Saddling Up

By now, you’re probably wondering when we’re going to get down to brass tacks and talk technique. Sorry to keep you waiting! Without further ado, here’s a point-by-point primer on how to ride a dildo safely and comfortably to an unforgettable climax.

Step One: Lubricate Your Toy Thoroughly

This step could be considered optional, depending on how wet you are to begin with. It may not be necessary to avail yourself of supplemental lubricants if you’re sufficiently revved up and ready to go.

Even so, it’s never a bad idea to err on the side of caution. You’d rather have a little too much glide than not enough, especially if you’re going to be entering through the back door. Trust us on this one.

Dispense a generous amount of lube into your hand and use it to slick the dildo down from top to bottom. Water-based lubricants are a safe bet whether you’re engaging in intercourse with a partner or flying solo, but avoid pairing silicone-based lubes and silicone sex toys. These products can cause the surface of the toy to erode and break down over time.

Tip: While we’re on the subject of fluids, we highly recommend making sure your bowels are nice and empty anytime you’ve got an anal dildo ride planned. At the risk of getting too graphic, gravity will be a factor when you’re in an upright position, and all that bouncing and gyrating can quickly stir up trouble if you don’t take the proper precautions.

Step Two: Steady Your Perch

Unless you’ve got a self-securing toy, you’ll have no choice but to hold the dildo in place while you do your thing.

To do this, take hold near the base of the shaft with whichever hand you don’t ordinarily use to masturbate (this will allow you to also pleasure yourself digitally as you ride) and anchor it into the floor. You’re now officially ready for action.

You shouldn’t have to devote too much attention to stabilizing the toy once you get going, but be careful not to lose your grip. An accidental slip could disrupt your reverie or put you at risk of being jabbed the wrong way, which is never fun.

On that note, we’d like to once again bring to your attention the virtues of suction cup dildos. They're a godsend when you want to be able to forget about all the fiddling and focus on frigging yourself silly.

Step Three: Slide the Toy in Gently

Hover just above the dildo and guide the tip toward your orifice of choice. Pause briefly to ensure that the business end is lined up correctly, then slowly sink your weight down on it until you feel it “clear” the hole.

At this point, you can either begin working your post at will or just hang out for a few moments and revel in the thrill of initial insertion. 

Go as slow as you need to—riding a sex toy can be transcendently pleasurable when done right, but it can also be painful when done wrong. That goes double for anal penetration since it will most likely take a little longer to let yourself relax and fully accept the toy.

Now, let’s back up and talk positions real quick.

To guarantee that your dildo ride is as sultry and energetically sustainable as possible, your best bet is to either get on your knees and straddle the toy or squat down over it with one or both hands on the floor for support. The latter method will be much easier if you’re using a suction cup dildo.

Step Four: Freestyle It

When you’re first starting out, simply moving up and down at a moderate pace may be enough to light up your erogenous zones like a five-alarm fire. After a while, though, you might feel called to play around with different speeds, angles, and amounts of penetration.

Leaning forward or backward, rocking horizontally, or swiveling your hips in a wavelike fashion can all alter your experience slightly. If you like it rough, try bouncing like a rodeo champion, using your full body weight to go deeper and up the intensity. Even just grinding the base of the dildo without actually going anywhere can produce positively heavenly results.

Each of these alternatives is an invitation to a new realm of euphoria, and all of them are worth a shot. Remember, you’re in complete control here, so seize this golden opportunity to learn more about your one-of-a-kind body and what turns it into a quivering, moaning, sweat-drenched mass.

Step Five: Mix it Up

Don’t hesitate to heighten your excitement by changing positions periodically. Variety truly is the spice of life. There's no question that a spirited dildo ride is an absolute blast, but there are countless ways to use a dildo that don’t require you to be on top.

If you start cramping up or feeling fatigued after a few minutes in the hot seat, switch gears and Sprawl out in missionary, curl up on one side, go face-down-ass-up in doggy, or stand up and affix your toy to a vertical surface. Such an adjustment may be just what you need to give your tired legs and lower back a welcome rest. Furthermore, it can mimic the natural progression of having sex with a partner.

Long story short, transitioning into a new position every so often not only alleviates nagging aches but keeps things fresh by breaking up the monotony of longer rides—not that you’re probably complaining.

Conclusion

If you managed to make it to the end of this article without grabbing your favorite dildo, slinking off to a private place, and locking the door behind you, kudos. You can now reward yourself for your patience by applying the carnal knowledge you’ve gained and indulging in some well-deserved personal pleasure.

Enjoy the ride.